PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL After intense and thorough research into recent PGA Tour tournament play, a team of scientists from the University of Florida at nearby Gainesville have reached a startling conclusion to be published in an upcoming issue of the Florida Journal Of Science: Pro golfers who play on the PGA Tour are actually vaginas.
“Pussies, to be more exact.” Spokesperson Harry Fitah clarifies. “Anatomically, a vagina and a pussy are the same thing, but the word ‘pussy’ has added connotations to it which apply in this case.”
The study was triggered by the disturbing trend in the 2010 season of players laying up with their second shot on reachable par 5 holes, only to finish in second place. The subtitle to the study is said to be “If you’re not first, you’re last.”
Dr. Fitah goes on to explain some of the the specifics of the study: “We compared several physiological and psychological aspects of professional golfers and female reproduction organs. The evidence was surprising and overwhelming.”
“Let’s take it from the top, so to speak: The head of a golfer is much like a clitoris. Where as a golfer’s head and face is generally very tough to find, covered by headwear and sunglasses that appear to have been permanently attached to the player’s head, a woman’s clitoris is also very difficult to find and rare to appear in daylight, hidden from view by a hood that actually is permanently attached.”
“Then we look at the insides, and find more similarities: A vagina is mostly soft and mushy on the inside, and it becomes wet when pressure is applied. Similarly, the insides of professional golfers is quite pliable and spongy, and we very rarely found even as much as a backbone. Several of our researchers actually commented that the fact golfers stayed vertical was a scientific marvel on par with the question of how bees fly.”
But apparently all hope is not lost. Since many of these conclusions are drawn strictly based on observed behavior, the trend can be slowed and eventually reversed if golfers follow the highly scientific treatment prescribed by Dr. Fitah and “Grow a pair.”